Nobody Knows How to Date Anymore

Dating used to be fairly simple, really. You met someone, got on with them, went on a few dates, and then decided whether you wanted to keep seeing them. Of course relationships have always had complications, but at least the path from meeting to deciding to date was fairly clear.

There are all sorts of terms for what are effectively non-relationships these days (the ‘talking stage’, ‘situationship’, ‘soft launch’, ‘hard launch’, ‘breadcrumbing’, ‘orbiting’, ‘ghosting’, ‘slow fading’, ‘love bombing’ and probably a few more that have emerged on TikTok while you’re reading this). Despite being more connected than ever, it still feels like no one knows what they actually want.

Dating in your twenties has become a bizarre mix of having infinite options and having no clue what you’re doing with them. You could meet someone at a bar, on Hinge, on Instagram, through friends, at work, on holiday, or because they commented on a story you posted. You could talk every day and still not be together; you could sleep together and not call it a relationship at all; you could spend every weekend together and still tell your friends you’re just seeing where it goes.

It makes you wonder whether dating actually got harder or whether we just made it more complicated.

Dating Apps Gave Us More Options. They Didn’t Give Us More Clarity.

Dating apps were meant to make it easier to find a partner, and in many ways they have. You no longer have to be hoping you’ll bump into someone at a bar or through your friends. You can now filter by location, age, interests, lifestyle, and so on before you even say hello. In theory, every potential partner you could ever want to date is on your phone.

The issue is that having hundreds of options doesn’t make choosing any easier. There’s always another profile, another match, someone who’s just a bit more funny, a bit more attractive, a bit more compatible. Even if you do find someone you like, that little voice in your head will still be telling you there are loads more out there.

Dating can start to feel like shopping. You might have a fantastic date, and yet you’re still wondering whether you should be swiping. You might like the person, but you know there are still hundreds of people you’ve not met who could be a better match. The whole point of all those choices was to help us, but sometimes it just makes it harder to know what you’re doing.

That’s part of the reason dating app fatigue is so prevalent. It’s not that we’re tired of meeting people; we’re just tired of constantly having to assess them. Dating can start to feel less like getting to know someone and more like applying for a job with no idea what it actually entails.

Then There Are Situationships

Dating apps created an infinite marketplace, and situationships became the fine print that nobody ever bothered to read.

A situationship isn’t necessarily bad. Both people may be after something casual. You might both be assessing whether there’s a real spark for a relationship. Neither of you may be quite ready to commit, and that’s perfectly acceptable. There’s nothing wrong with taking your time.

The issue is when two people aren’t actually taking their time together. One thinks you’re just casually dating; the other thinks you’re slowly moving toward a relationship. One sees the lack of a label as temporary; the other sees it as the whole point. They both keep going because neither wants to be the one to ask the question and change the dynamic.

That’s when things get messy.

We’re so good at telling ourselves that being ‘chill’ means having zero expectations. We’ll tell ourselves we’re not going to put any pressure on anyone; we’re just going to see what happens; we’re not in a rush, etc. Three months pass, you’ve met their friends, you’ve got a toothbrush at their place, and you’re suddenly wondering why the hell they liked that one photo on someone’s Instagram.

So lots of people in their twenties will have a working knowledge of the difference between being patient and just accepting the uncertainty because they’re terrified that asking for a bit of clarity will scare someone off. They won’t admit it, of course.

Why Is Everyone So Afraid of the “What Are We?” Conversation?

The ‘What are we?’ conversation has somehow become one of the most frightening aspects of dating these days, even though it’s actually a very simple question. You’re not looking for marriage; you’re just trying to see if you’re on the same page.

There’s so much pressure to appear low-key that even the most normal of expectations can come across as quite embarrassing. You don’t want to come across as overly keen or as someone who’s pushing it. You don’t want to scare them off, and you don’t want to make them think you’re forcing something that’s not there.

So instead of just asking, people start trying to decode each other’s behavior.

They text you every morning, so they must like you. The fact they haven’t introduced you to their friends suggests they may not be all that serious. They do watch all your stories but never text first. They say they’re not looking for a relationship, but perhaps they will change their mind. And what does it mean if they haven’t deleted their dating apps?

Dating has become detective work, really, because it’s too vulnerable to ask what someone wants. But asking for clarity doesn’t make you clingy.

Knowing whether someone wants a relationship helps (even if it’s not the answer you hoped for), because it can save you months of trying to turn uncertainty into a relationship.

Ghosting Made Dating Even Weirder

Ghosting is also one of the most accepted methods of rejection in today’s dating scene. There are certainly situations where ghosting is the right move. If someone makes you uncomfortable, ignores your boundaries, is aggressive, or makes you feel unsafe, then you don’t need to send a carefully crafted ‘goodbye’ message.

But ghosting has also become an easy way to avoid the awkwardness of saying you’re not interested. You could go on three dates, sleep with them, text them every day, and then disappear because it’s awkward to say you’re not interested.

And yes, rejection is awkward. That’s pretty much the point.

Dating someone will, at some point, involve some difficult conversations. You’ll have to tell someone you’re not interested, you’ve changed your mind, you want more than they can offer, or you’ll have to hear that they don’t feel the same way.

These conversations aren’t fun, but they’re essential if you want to treat the other person as a real human being rather than just another notification you can switch off.

Maybe We’re Consuming Too Much Dating Content

Another thing that makes dating so confusing these days is that we’re not just dating; we’re also constantly consuming dating content.

We watch TikToks on attachment styles, we read the relationship posts on first dates, we’ll send a screenshot to the group chat and ask, “What does this three-word text mean?” and we listen to all the podcasts about red flags, green flags, situationships, avoidants, narcissists, and all the various reasons why someone might not have replied.

Some of that advice is absolutely spot on. Understanding boundaries, communication, and unhealthy patterns is all very useful for improving your relationships. The issue arises when every date is somehow a diagnosis or a checklist. Not every person who doesn’t want to be in a relationship is emotionally unavailable. You don’t necessarily meet a narcissist just because you’ve had a bad date. In some cases they’re just not interested; in others, you just aren’t. We’re so used to analyzing the whole dating process that we lose sight of the most fundamental thing: you’re dealing with another human being who is just as confused, insecure, and complicated as you are.

Maybe Dating Isn’t Actually Broken

Dating may not be any worse than it used to be; we’re just more aware that it’s always been a bit of a mess. People have always fallen for the wrong person, stayed in relationships too long, had their hearts broken, been too afraid to commit, or wanted something light and ended up falling for someone.

The difference now is we have a front-row seat to everyone else’s dating lives. We’re constantly comparing our experience to everyone else’s relationships, advice, expectations, and timelines. We’re on Hinge wondering why every guy on the site has the same Patagonia vest, while we’re also watching people talk about how they met their husbands at 22.

Dating has no set timetable. Some people meet their partner at 22, some at 32. Some people date for years before they find a relationship that works. Some people are perfectly happy to remain single for a long time; others are very much in the market for a relationship and just haven’t found the right person yet.

So What Are We Supposed to Do?

I don’t think we need any more dating rules, actually. We already have far too many. Don’t text first, do text first, wait three days, don’t play games, don’t be too available, be mysterious, be direct, don’t settle, give people a chance, know your worth, lower your standards, raise your standards. Right now dating feels like it needs a project manager.

The simplest approach is to figure out what you want, say it, and see if the person you’re with wants the same. You don’t have to decide straight away whether they’re the one or just a bad date. You can get to know them and see where it leads.

You don’t have to pretend you don’t have feelings or expectations to appear easygoing. It’s perfectly alright to want something serious, and it’s perfectly alright to want something casual. The important thing is to be honest so the other person can decide whether they want the same thing.

Dating will always be a mess. There’ll always be awkward first dates, people who just aren’t quite ready, mismatched expectations, surprise chemistry, terrible texting, and that one person your friends just wish you’d stop talking to.

That doesn’t mean dating is broken. It’s simply what happens when millions of people from all walks of life, with all sorts of backgrounds, expectations, insecurities, and personality types, are all out there trying to find someone they connect with. All we can do is figure out how to lose ourselves in the process and be honest without it feeling like a life-or-death situation.

Honestly, maybe just admitting that we’re all figuring it out would make dating a bit easier.